When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
