I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
