you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
