I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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