even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
