I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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