I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
