I think i peed on brittanys purse
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
