would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
