I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
