bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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