I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
