just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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