Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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