you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
