The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
