Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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