had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
