Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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