Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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