Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
