So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
