HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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