I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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