I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
