I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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