EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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