i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
