I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
