My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize