the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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