it wasn't lemon gatorade
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
