He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
