He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
