I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
