just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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