Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
