I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
