the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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