Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
