If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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