you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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