I puked a lego.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
