rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
