but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
