I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
