Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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