better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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