fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
