I just pynch a tree in the face
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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