I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
