If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He passed out mid-signature
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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