So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
id be glad to
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
