took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You can't motorboat a personality
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
