Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
