Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
