my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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