SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
