thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
