I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
