Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
