I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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