i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
