Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
