You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
