I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
wat bout pragnant strippers??
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
