no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
