Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
